An idiots guide to getting a girlfriend
by MurgatroidIsInDaHouse
Summary: "How To Excel in Life", courtesy of Eren Yeager. Step one: Own a bad ass car. Hybrids, like my Prius, are essential for attracting all dem ladies. It tells them "Hey, I live on the wild side, but I also love the environment". Step two: Get a hot girlfriend to cruise around town with... That's still a work in progress.
1. Chapter 1

What's shakin peeps? My name is Murgatroid (don't judge. It was my grandmothers name...just kidding) and this is my first ever fic. I hope you guys enjoy it, and I would love it if you guys gave me your feedback. Anyway, on with the show!

High school sucks.

It's a known fact.

Once you enter it, your life is a never ending cycle of pure un-adulterated torture (with the occasional sloppy joe on the side). Seriously, here is a quick summary of my life: Wake up, eat some tostitos while I cruise around town with my _smexy_ Prius (Yeah, all dem ladies practically throw themselves at its fuel efficient glory), go to the dungeon (which is highschool), come back to my crappy apartment and pass out on the floor, and the cycle repeats.

There are only three things that keep me from staying at home and drowning myself in cheetos:

My best friend Armin

The authorities

And the fact that I like my rocking hot body

But I digress. What I'm trying to say is, I need some adventure to break this cycle of torture. Adventure that comes in the form of a creature known as a womans.

I know, I Know, you're probably thinking, "Oh my god Eren, you're already such a McStudMuffin! Just go get yourself a womans and move on with your life!

Well random viewer, I think you totally overestimated my ability to interact with the opposite sex.

I can't talk to girls.

Seriously. When a girl even tries to make conversation with me I either end up stuttering a few words (If I'm lucky), or I power walk away while silently apologizing. It kinda goes like this:

Random girl number 1: "Hey Eren, can you help me with this chem problem?"

The Scared Yeager: "Y-Y-Y-Ye...I COME IN PEACE! AHHHHHHHH!" *power walks down the hallway with purpose and pizzazz* "I'mSorryI'mSorryI'mSorry..."

...Eh, you get the picture.

So, you can naturally assume that I only hang out with other guys. They're in the same boat as me, and I'm comfortable with them...NO, I know what you're thinking; I am not into the dudes. You totally don't understand what its like. Girls are like... wild stallions. If you approach them the wrong way, they will get antsy and kick your face off... Okay, maybe it doesn't go exactly that way, but my point is: girls are freaking scary. Only a very courageous idiot would try to tame one of these majestic beasts.

Sadly, I fall into that category. I, Eren Yeager, am not one to turn down a challenge. That is why I have dedicated my high school career to finding a girlfriend.

So far, my closest attempt to 'taming' one of the females was with a girl named Annie. I was able to give her a piece of paper with the fee of only a choked out whine that kinda sounded like a dying eagle. Oh yeah! leveling up in life.

So I guess that brings me to where I am today, sitting in my AP chemistry class waiting for my teacher to throw worksheets on the geometric arrangements of atoms in my face. Forewarning everyone, my teacher Mr. Shadis (aka Sergeant), was in the marines. So, you should be expecting a lot of yelling, sweating, and crying. If it's a really bad day, maybe some squats and push-ups. Oh and one more thing, he likes to- "MAGGOTS! GET ALL OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL ARSES INTO YOUR DANG SEATS! WE GOT FRESH MEAT TODAY! ESPECIALLY YOU MR. YEAGER, YOUR ARSE IS ESPECIALLY BEAUTIFUL TODAY!"-make things really awkward. Note to self: avoid crazy ass teacher. I was about to occupy myself by looking out a very interesting window, until I saw it. The most beautiful creature to have ever walked this earth. It was a girl, no, a damn fine lady. She was of Asian ethnicity, her short ebony hair stopped just below her chin, her eyes were a smoldering ash, and her face resembles that of a princess's. I was too busy admiring the beauty that I barely noticed Mr. Shadis start to introduce her.

"THIS IS MIKASA ACKERMAN. SHE JUST MOVED HERE. YOU KIDS PLAY NICE, AND HELP HER WHEN SHE NEEDS IT! OK ACKERMAN, SIT NEXT TO BEAUTIFUL ARSE OVER THERE!" He then pointed at the chair next to me. It wasn't until she started walking towards me did I start to have an inner turmoil.

'Oh god she's walking in my direction. OK, OK, you can do this Eren, just try not to stare and all you have to do is say hi. You can do this.'

At least I thought that, until I heard Sergeant yell, "YEAGER! STOP DOING YOUR BEST IMPRESSION OF A DYING FISH AND SHUT YOUR DANG TRAP! YOU'RE LETTING FLIES IN THERE!"

Dang. It.

Mission failed. She probably thinks I'm some type of dumbass. My only thought is "Ugh, why god, whhhhyyyyy?" I proceeded to then repeatedly slam my head into my desk, until the sound of angel stopped me. I looked over and saw that the angel, I mean super hottie, I mean Mikasa, was giggling. I made her laugh!

This was my chance. I can totally play off what just happened. Just say hi Eren.

I slowly turned my body towards her. Took a deep breath and said "HiMyNameIsErenAndYou'reRealFine!"

"….."

"..."

Fuck my life. That's it Yeager. God gives you a second chance, and you just crap all over it. Well, goodbye Angel. It was nice showing you my best impression of a snake unhinging its mouth. I hope I'll see you around.

My pity party was broken with a soft, but surely spoken "Haha, it's a pleasure to meet you too Eren and you're not bad yourself." she winked.

I stared at her wide eyed. YEEEEEESSSSSSSS! Score one for the boys back home!

With a new found confidence, I extended my hand and was about to re-introduce myself... Until I got a face full of geometric arrangements.

"YEAGER! STOP FLIRTING WITH MIKASA AND GET YOUR BEAUTIFUL ARSE TO WORK!"

Great. This is going to be a long year.

…..

Well, that's all for now folks. Until the next chapter! (and thanks Talon!)


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys! Thanks for reading my story! I really appreciated the feedback you gave me. This chapter will hold more dialogue between the characters, and just for those who didn't know, I revised my first chapter so it's less sucky more awesome.

But first, my regards to those who reviewed:

Talon: Hehe, yeah thanks. I didn't realize how much my summary sucked until I reread it.

MunchyCookies: NOOOOOOOO. Don't be sad, be glad! ;) I'm really happy that you liked my story. Your review was some great moral support. Now I don't have to silently cheer for myself, and you get a guide on how to capture the heart of a majestic beast (aka a womans just in case you forgot). Sounds like a win/win situation to me.

MysticStarblade:…eh, naw…I'm kidding, thanks for reviewing TER- I mean- mysticstarblade.

Ok that's enough chit chat for now, let's get this party started!

…

"WAAAHHHHHHH! I SUCK AT LIFEEEEEE!"

You guys hear that? What is it? Well my friends, that is the sound of the very essence of bravery.

"MMMMMOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!"

Bravery that is held by only the finest of individuals.

"I THINK I SHAT MY PANTSSSSSSS!"

Individuals who-"OH MY GOD JEAN, SHUT UP!" yelled a very pissed Berthold.

"But but but but sh-sh-she REJECTED MY UNDYING LOVE! WAH!"

"Yeah! She rejected me too, but you don't see me crying like a freakin man baby! God dude this is so sad to watch, you're even in a fetal position. Eren, please bitch-slap some sense into him."

Hey everyone, Eren here. You're probably wondering why my friends are as depressing as fuck. Well let me give you a hint: It has to do with a certain majestic beast that transferred here. Ding ding ding, that's right! It is HottieMcDreamboatTheFirst, aka Mikasa Ackerman.

My poor brave friends had actually tried to ask out the womans. The stunningly beauteous womans to be exact. And let's just say that- "WAAAHHHHH!"… it didn't go well for them.

Let me show you.

…..

 _Flashback: Jean's attempt_

" _Uh Jean, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, you can barely look the lunch lady in the eyes. How could you even breathe the same air as a majestic stallion like Mikasa?"_

" _It's gonna be fine Eren. I'll just use my POWERFUL EUROPEAN MAN WILES to win her over. Watch me make history bruh. And for the record, that lunch lady looks like she wants to take my soul."_

" _Jean, she's 4"8 and also happens to be Armin's blind grandmother. And you do know that you're American, right?"_

" _Ooooh, so that's why she keeps calling me Barbara. And pfff whatevs, this is a free country. I can say what I want. Watch, "PRAISE THE ALMIGHTY MOTHER RUSSIA!' "_

 _The whole cafeteria looked at him for a moment, and then resumed whatever they were doing._

" _See?"_

 _He then waddled towards Mikasa's lunch table, stopped next to the beauty and tapped her shoulder._

 _Mikasa: "Um hi."_

 _Jean: "…."_

 _Mikasa: "…Do you need something?"_

 _Jean: "I HAVE A POWERFUL EUROPEAN MAN SMELL! WANNA SMELL ME?" He then raised his arms and started to chant "WAFT IT WAFT IT WAFT IT WAFT IT WAFT IT…"_

 _Mikasa then stood up and walked away._

 _Jean proceeded to walk back, crawl under the table and went into a fetal position for the next 20 minutes._

….

 _Berthold's attempt_

" _YO Eren, watch me pick up that fine lady over dere!"_

" _Berthold, why are speaking like a gangster?"_

" _Because dis is wut happens when I'm nervous yo!"_

"… _..Yeah good luck with that."_

" _Thanks ma home sizzle!" Berthold then pimp limped (which means he was walking like a wounded animal) over to Mikasa._

" _Hey guurl, wut u Name?"_

"… _.Mikasa…"_

" _Mikasa?! Baby dat's a French ass name! I love dem fwench dings. How u do mah little cwusant? (Gangsta Berthold's Pronunciation guide: Kwuh-sant)"_

"… _.Are you trying to say 'croissant'?"_

" _CWUSANT!...I love you…"_

 _Mikasa then stood up and walked away._

 _Berthold then limped back to the table._

Fail count: 2

…..

And now I have a crying Jean, and an irritated Berthold. That's what they get, she's my womans. Wait, what did I just say?

"Come on guys, it wasn't that bad"

The man-baby paused his crying to screech "SHUSH SHUSH EREN, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE! HOW ABOUT YOU TRY AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!"

Oh God. I brought this upon myself. Come on Eren, man up! Show them that your beautiful arse can say more than a few words!

"Okay! Challenge accepted." I'm a big boy now! I can do this. I've already had prior experience talking to her. Just walk up and ask her if she wants to hang.

Eren straightened up his shirt, and started to walk towards Mikasa.

Step

 _Brinnnnnnggggg!_

'Oh my god! Thank you conveniently timed lunch bell!'

"OH hey guys, would you look at that. Well it seems that I can't do it, bye!"

I was only able to take a few steps before I felt a hand grab my shirt.

I turned and saw a very smug looking Berthold. "Eren, You're asking her out tomorrow."

 _Shhhhhhiiiiiiiiittttttt._

"…..I'm sorry I can't."

"Why?"

"I…..I have hemorrhoids! Okay bye!"

And then, Eren scurried off into the distance.

…..

Damn.

I need to talk to someone who's actually interacted with the other species. I mean the ones with the chesticles. I mean the females.

Oh! The Love guru!

"Armin!"

Out of nowhere I saw a flash of blond appear in front of my face.

"Yes Eren?"

"Where the? How the fuck? Ah, oh well. Armin, I need your help! You watch a lot of Romance movies, tell me how to atleast hold a conversation with a womans."

"Oh, now you want my help. Geez dude, you should of asked for advice years ago. Oh well, who do you want to ask out?"

"Majestic stallion."

"MIKASA?! Oh my god dude, you're not ready for that yet!"

" I know! Now tell me some of the romance talk scenarios that can totally work to win her over!"

"Well my research has shown me that females like sparkly guys who are as pale as fuck, and drink blood."

"Damn. That sounds terrifying. Anything else? Something less creepy please."

"Okay, so all you have to do is be abducted by pirates. Let some prince guy steal her and make her his fiancé. Come back and be reunited with her, and then be attacked by a giant rat thing while she stands to the side all useless saying 'ahhh Eren, NO.' She's stolen again, then you save her again, and get mawwied. Got it?"

" I lost you at 'okay'."

"Dam it Eren! That's it. You're just going to have to practice. Come with me."

Armin then grabbed my arm, and started pulling me to his car.

"Wait Armin, where are we going?"

"The birth place of all females, Starbucks."

…..

We arrived at the gates of hell (front door of Starbucks).

With Armin by my side, I took a deep breath pushed open the doors.

The sight that welcomed me was terrifying. This whole place was crawling with womans!

"Uhm Armin, I don't think I can do this."

"Calm down Eren, remember what I taught you. Just smile, say hi, and if you can, hit on them. Here, you see that blonde girl over there? The one near the counter? Yeah, she's alone. Go talk to her."

"What?" I then felt a shove that accidently made me roll right in front of her.

She looked at me, causing me to jump up in a fright and maybe squeal a little.

"Um hey, are you okay? It looks like you were falling for me." She said with a laugh.

Okay , just compliment her and stuff. Like 'hey I'm Eren, you're a gorgeous creature. Do you come around here often?'

"Uhm nice to meet you I'm Christa, thanks, and yes, yes I do." OH GOD. I SAID THAT SHIT OUT LOUD! Wait, did that work?! Yes! This is a lot easier than I thought!

"oh and hey Eren, do you wanna hear something funny?"

"Uh sure?"

"Knock, Knock."

"Who's there?"

"I'm gay."

"Oh, I'm a really happy guy too."

"I do the bow chika wow wow with girls."

"Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhh, that's nice?" o_O

"yeah sorry, but you seem like a cool guy. See ya!"

Wow. She just dropped that bomb on me and then walked away.

Eren dragged himself back to his chair next to Armin.

"So how did it go?"

"….. I'll see you tomorrow."

He then stood up, and walked away.

"Wait Eren, what? Hey come back here!"

…

Thanks for keeping up everyone! Please review, and see ya when I post the next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys, sorry for the long wait. I just took a walk… for approximately 7 months…

Continuing on, I collaborated with a talented yet crazy author, MysticStarblade, on this chapter. I recommend you guys check out her stories too cause they're awesome.

I guess that's it for now, on with the show!

"Back in my day, kids were actually able to draw things! Why can this generation only draw DICKS!"

Yelled a livid Levi as he scrubbed a dick off of president Obama's poster.

Perspiration dripped off his chiseled chin, emphasizing his milky white skin. His biceps rippled from his efforts as he quickly finished his task.

"Finally. Thought I'd never get it out" He sighed, leaning back into an empty desk.

"now all I have to do is-"

"Janitor-senpai-sama-kun-Ackerman! Daisuke desu!"

"Oh crap. Not her again." He paled and braced himself for the oncoming student by sticking his hand out (cuz dodging isn't a thing ;))

Suddenly, the classroom door opened and in came a huge mass of fan girl. Levi's outstretched hand managed to effectively stop the object (person?), but at a price. He had caught the student by her uni-roll, and she(?) was now blowing sloppy kisses at him.

" Aseret. How many times do I have to tell you to get away from me? Wasn't the restraining order enough to give you the hint that I don't like you?!"

"Levi, baby, I know you're just being your usual tsundere self. You can't hide what's inside! Just the other day you stopped mopping to hug me."

"Aseret, You were choking on a pistachio and I was giving you the Heimlich maneuver."

"And I should sue them for false advertisement! Those wonderful pistachios were not very wonderful. And Stop hiding your affection, Levi, I know you just want a piece of this!" Aseret said as she displayed her uni-roll in a grand fashion. "Also, I came to tell you that a kid fainted in the cafeteria."

"WHAT!? Why didn't you tell me sooner?!"

Aseret wasn't paying attention because she was feeling up Levi's bicep. "Huh, did you say something, sexy?"

Levi pulled away his arm in disgust. He then got up and speed-walked to the cafeteria.

 _30 minutes earlier in the cafeteria_

"Okay Eren, its time for you to keep up your end of the bet. Go ask Mikasa out."

Damn it. Note to self, kick Berthold in the Nards.

"Uh….Yeah! Yeah! Um about that, it seems that I have to go to a doctor's appointment. Like right now." Hah. Foolproof plan, score one for Eren Yeager.

"Eren. Your dad's a doctor, and you said the same thing yesterday."

"… I have hemorrhoids."

"God dang it, Eren. You better walk over there or I swear to TITAN I'm going to carry you over there, throw you on the table, and sacrifice you-"

" Wait, what. Sacrifice me?"

"-Sacrifice you to those blood sucking creatures you call women."

"… You've seen twilight, haven't you?"

"….I only watched it for the plot, Eren. Stephenie Meyer has a majestic mind."

"Okay now I'm slightly disgusted. And fine, lets get this thing over with."

Steeling himself, he slowly got up and walked towards Mikasa's table.

'Okay Eren, remember what Armin taught me'.

 _Flashback_

" _Eren, don't be a dick."_

Damn it. Wrong memory, let's try again:

 _Flashback_

" _But I can barely speak to a girl, how could I possibly ask Mikasa on a date?"_

" _Eren, its not that hard. Women aren't that intimidating, all you have to do is just to treat a hot girl as if she was anyone else."_

" _And how is that even possible?"_

" _Just imagine that she's an old man (approximately 69), with hair that looks like it came from my grandfather's chest, and has a thing for building walls."_

"… _.Armin, are you describing Donald Trump?"_

" _No, I'm describing mikasa."_

"… _Yeah this isn't gonna work out, but thanks". I said as I started to walk dejectedly home._

" _Wait, Eren! I didn't want to resort to this, but I guess this is the only way for Mikasa to go on a date with you."_

" _Whatever it is, Armin, it doesn't matter I'll take it."_

I just hope Armin's thing works.

Arriving at Mikasa's table, I could see she was talking to a few other girls from our class.

'Let's do this thing'

"Hey M-Mikasa"

"Oh, Hey Eren! What's up?" She looked at me with a hint of amusement in her eyes, daring me to say something.

"I… I was just wondering, if y-you knew that if you were a transformer you would be a hotobot, and your name would be optimus fine!"

Mikasa looked confused for a moment, then laughed a little.

"haha, thanks Eren. That's very sweet of you."

"yeah, hehe….heh. I –also-I was wondering if you…."

"If me….?" Mikasa urged me to continue.

"If you wanted to ….throw…S-Ski-ball…me…"

"if I wanted to throw a ski-ball at you?"

"Yes! I mean, no, no…." Taking a deep breath, he continued. "if you wanted to go to the arcade with me, I-I have couple tickets and it would be awesome if you came. I mean, that is if you would like that. I totally understand if you don't. I, uh, always thought that the mascot people were always creepy as fuck and-"

"I'll go." Mikasa said while giggling.

"-and once an old lady kicked me in the-Wait what? Really?"

"Of course, I love the arcade. But watch out, I have some mad skills". She said with that beautiful smile of hers.

"Oh, I, Okay! Haha, well then, can you meet me at the Shingeki arcade at 4pm on Saturday?"

"Sure. I guess Ill see you around, Eren." She grabbed her stuff and walked away, walking with that smexy swing of her hips.

…. HOLYSHITMIKASAJUSTSAIDYESTOME! YEAH! SCORE ONE FOR THE BOYS BACK HOME! Thank you Armin for giving me those arcade tickets! I started to do a little jig of happiness (which actually looked like i was having a seizure).

As I finished my dance, a sudden fatigue fell over me.

'damn. I guess that took a lot more out of me than I realized'. I thought as the world turned black.

"Is he dead?"

"No, you idiot, he just fainted."

"I blame you for this, you shouldn't have forced him to ask her out."

"Shut up Jean, no one needs your side comments!".

"Will you two youngins quit yer dam yappin already?! Don't make me stick my mop up your-"

Eren groaned loudly.

"Okay, we should probably take him to the nurse". Trying to get a better angle to carry him, Levi turned the body over so he was face to face with the student.

Time stopped.

'Holy crap. This boy is simply scrumptious!'

In Levi's mind, the song 'careless whisper' was playing as he gazed at this stunning stranger.

"Uh, Janitor-Ackerman? Shouldn't we be taking him to the nurse?"

"No, its too late. I have to give him CPR. Right. Now."

"Wait what?! He just passed out!"

"I'm sorry, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do".

Grabbing Eren's face he slowly descended closer. His friends and Aseret looked upon the scene in horror.

And right before their lips met Eren suddenly opened his eyes and screamed a loud "WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK IS HAPPENING?!"

Levi's inner thoughts: Oh, he has such a way with words.


	4. Chapter 4

HEhehehehehehehehe, Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I was just taking a lunch break that lasted for a couple months ;). Anyway, I'm glad you guys are still reading and please leave reviews on the story (its like the fuel that drives me to write) I don't care if you write the review, or your dog does, or your grandmother, or your grandmother's dog, or Burnie Sanders, I just like receiving them.

Sorry for my babbling, on with the show!

"Okay! OPERATION 'LOOK THE SEXY' is in motion! Armin Check my outfit!".

"Ass is looking good Eren!"

"Goddamnit man! I meant check to see if I look COOL, not check ME out."

"Oops, sorry." Armin said as he continued to intensely stare at Eren's bootay.

"…Ewkay. I guess I should've known if you want something done you have to do it yourself." Eren quickly stood in front of his bathroom mirror and started to mentally check his outfit.

'Okay, so a plain blue T-shirt that accentuates my sexy. Check

Dark blue jeans that don't squeeze the living shit out of me but at the same time isn't big enough to hold a circus. Check.

Black converse… Whatevs, check.

and okay! We're good.'

'I should probably go pick up some flowers or something before we meet. Should I get roses? Or is that too basic? Ah well, ill just ask the flower person. And maybe I should pick up some chocolates too? Oh my gawd, too much thinking.'

"Yo Armin! I'm about to go meet up with Mikasa, any last advice?"

"Don't be a ho."

"…Thanks man."

"No problem man. And dude, why are you leaving like 4 hours early?"

"I need to run to a couple of places and grab something to eat before I see Mikasa. Plus, Shingeki Arcade is like on the other side of town. Anyway, See ya later."

And with that, Eren walked out of his apartment and glided down the stairs of his apartment complex only to come face to face with shit. No seriously, his neighbor Mrs. Vladimira Putin, was literally carrying a bag of manure.

"Oh Eren! It good to see you! Here, help me carry expensive poo-poo to my garden."

"Oh. Uhhhhhhhh.." Eren quickly checked his watch. 'okay, so its 12:15 am now and I don't have to meet Mikasa until 4. But I have to get some gifts for her and the arcades a half an hour away…. Ugh. damn old people and their convincing and sickly ways!'. "Sure Mrs. Putin! I can help you for a bit!"

"Thank you Eren! Such a good boy."

"Here, let me change my clothes first so I don't-"

"IN COMING!"

"wha-" And then he got a face full of cow shit.

"OKAY SOLDIER, NOW YOU'RE GOING TO SPREAD THAT ALL OVER MY PETUNAS!"

"WHAT THE FUCK-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"IN RUSSIA WE INFUSE GARDEN TECHNIQUE AND MILITARY SKILLS INTO ONE, THAT'S WHY EVERYONE IN RUSSIA STRONG LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING BEAR! NOW STOP AND GIVE ME TWENTY"

"N-no. Mrs. Putin I'm not-"

"DO IT BITCH!"

"YES MA'AM!" Eren then hurriedly brought the bag over to her garden and started scooping manure onto the plants.

"AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, SING RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM!"

"I- I DON'T KN-"

"SING IT!"

"Ummmmmm, Mother Russia, Mother Russia drink dem vodka-"

"EXCELLENT!"

Two hours later…..

"FINISHED! Finally, Okay Mrs. Putin it was nice talking to you but I gotta go, bye!"

"Hold on a second sonny, let me show you my family portraits and I'll give you some tea."

"Oh, thanks but no thanks. I'm actually going to meet a-"

"Drink the tea, bitch."

"okay! I love tea!" 'please don't kill me, please don't kill me'

And with that She grabbed Eren and dragged him to her apartment.

"And here is a portrait of my family. That is my husband, Vladimir Putin and the boys to his left are his brother-in-laws, Vladmir Puttin and Vladimiir Putiin. and to the right are their wives Vladimiruh puttin and Vladimiira Putiin. ooh! And at the bottom left was my only daughter and child-"

"Let me guess, Vladimiruhh?"

"No, her name was Debbie."

"Oh, uh, okay Well it was nice talking to you but I have a massive case of diarrhea and I need to go now so bye!"

And with that, he ran like he had never run before straight to his apartment.

BOOM! In came Eren as he rushed into his apartment and slammed the door, making sure all the locks were set so no crazy Russian women will come.

"Oh Eren, you're back already? Did you forget something- Woah. Dude, you look like you literally wrestled a bear rolled around in shit. What happened?"

"Oh trust me, I encountered the equivalent of a bear. And I'd rather not talk about it."

Eren quickly went to his bathroom to clean himself and try to forget the horrors he experienced that day. He quickly got dressed in an outfit that was similar to the one he wore earlier that day and checked his watch.

'Okay, so I have exactly an hour and a half left till I meet up with mikasa. Well that's not bad, but I had so much other shit I was going to do today and now I have a two dollar fine for renting the movie 'Spy', the 2015 American action spy comedy film written and directed by Paul Feig. Starring Melissa McCarthy, Jason Statham, Rose Byrne, Miranda Hart, Bobby Cannavale, Allison Janney, and Jude Law, the film follows the transformation of desk-bound CIA analyst Susan Cooper (McCarthy) into a field agent who attempts to foil the black market sale of a suitcase nuke, for too long.'

"Okay Armin, I'm heading out again. Oh and can you do me a solid and come with me to grab the mail?"

"Oh. Sure dude."

Eren carefully poked his head out the door. Okay, no old lady here. Coast is clear for now. He and Armin started to casually walked out of his apartment and to his beat up Jeep.

Then it happened.

"EREN! I HAVE MORE PORTRAITS!"

"OH GAWD IM SORRY ARMIN, REMEMBER ME!" And with that, he proceeded to push Armin into the Bear-old lady.

Armin, not sure what the fuck was currently happening, only had a second to register that Eren had just SACRIFICED him in order to complete his mission.

"Eren you are sooooo DEAD when you come back!"

"SORRY MAN, YOU'RE THE BEST!"

Eren then jumped into his Jeep and sped off into the distance.

Okay, I have an hour to get there. Don't worry Mikasa, I'm coming for you baby!

And that's it for now everyone. Thanks for reading my crazy fic and im sorry if this offended anyone. I don't actually think Russians are that intense…. Anyway, Since its summer there's a good chance I will continue updating frequently. Remember to leave a review and thanks.


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